“The trust of the innocent is the liar’s most useful tool.” – Stephen King
Trust is an essential part of life. We have trust from the day we enter this world. Trust that our cries will be answered. That our hunger will be fed. Our need for comfort will be taken care of. Trust that someone will love and care for us.
Throughout life, pieces are chipped off of our trust stone, like a sculptor sculpting their marble masterpiece.
What do you do? Who do you become when your trust is broken down by one of the biggest influences in your life?
I’m still trying to figure that out myself. I’d like to think that I’ve become this warrior of some kind. Stronger, faster, leaner, taller; ready to conquer the world and take any down who wish to confront me. Other days I feel less powerful and wish for nothing more than to crawl under the bed and cuddle with the dust bunnies.
Fifteen years ago, when I was just eleven years old, I was molested by someone I trusted with every fiber of my being. A family member nonetheless. For years I had blocked this memory. For years I continued endlessly to trust this person, but there was always this lingering feeling of confusion, worry, fear, but I didn’t know why. The memory was suppressed, but the warnings kept coming. “Be careful!”
I have cut off ties with this person, however that doesn’t stop the nightmares from torturing me at night. That doesn’t make the feeling of fear and anxiety go away. That doesn’t make me okay.
It DOES make me a SURVIVOR. I survived and I grew stronger. I learned to reach out for help and talk to a therapist in hopes of one day conquering my worst of nightmares. Most importantly, I have learned that I AM NOT AT FAULT. That was the biggest and hardest hurdle to get over. It’s not my fault. It’s NOT my fault. IT IS NOT MY FAULT! What happened to me happened because that person is sick. To them, this was okay to take advantage of a child. An innocent.
I’m going to continue getting stronger to maintain my warrior status and ensure that my daughter has a better life. That she keeps her trust stone longer than her mama